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Apparently, after much money has been wasted on trials and studies on libido, the conclusion has been reached, the verdict delivered. Viagra does not work for women. You don’t say!
What a pity the same scientists hadn’t just asked women, they could have reached the same conclusion, for half the cost in half the time. Yes, we are told Viagra will make no difference to our sex drive and of course, it’s true; we’ve known it all along.
Unlike men, a little blue pill will not make us be magically up for it. It won’t put our sex drive into forward gear, relight our fire, or float our boat.
We know that the desire for sex starts in a women’s brain and works its magic downwards, whilst rumour has it that in men it starts downwards and pretty much stays there.
For a more personal approach, a visit to a sympathetic male doctor will have the desired effect and before you can say ‘make mine a stiff one’ they’ll soon sidle out of the pharmacy with a cure, boxed and wrapped in a plain paper bag.
Does this mean there is no quick fix solution for the ladies? What really is the truth about women’s loss of libido? How odd that it seems to just disappear.
Where does your libido go?
Where the hell does it go, its there one minute, and gone the next. Is there some predetermined day, hour, minute when libido calls out, ‘lets play hide and seek.
I’ll hide and you seek, but don’t bother counting to 100, you’ll never find me again anyway’.
Perhaps if women were a little more honest, the answer may simply be that after many years of living together, their feelings change and they see their husbands and partners not as lovers, but almost like a tiresome sibling.
Without realising they adopt the role of a mother figure, not only to their children but to their spouse as well, with the end result that sex feels almost incestuous.
During these years, passion and intimacy get drowned in a sea of domestic engineering and child rearing, and years later when you do get to spend some quality time with your significant other, trying to rescue those same feelings will often result in you clinging to a life raft of disappointment.
But think back to how things begin in any relationship. The respective couple tries to look their best for their first hot date and make a concerted effort to be entertaining, courteous, and attentive.
They are tactile and look into each other’s eyes when they talk. Very soon, something clicks and they are spending days at a time in bed fuelled by passion and takeaways, ordered by phone and delivered by taxi.
When complacency strikes back
If the same couple do make it up the aisle, or even spend years in unwedded bliss, sooner or later things change. Gradually, and unnoticed, they sink into a comfort blanket of familiarity.
Maybe too many quickies replace long sensual sessions.
Maybe it becomes acceptable to not even attempt to disguise the garlic enhanced breath where once before you’d drink a gallon of mouthwash before a snog.
Maybe you’ve even dispensed with kissing altogether because that most intimate of exchanges is perversely a little ‘too’ familiar.
Perhaps the once well-toned, clean-shaven, sweet smelling man, now makes no effort to be attractive to his woman. Exercise is confined to searching for the remote control, he only gets the razor out before work and occasional nights out, and the crafty splash from a stale bottle of Dior for Men is reserved for his ‘I’m in the mood’ mood.
His sexy ‘well hung’ jeans have been replaced with shapeless jogger bottoms, outlining instead, ‘shapes’ that just, literally, hang!
His once sparkling wit and wacky sense of humour have mysteriously turned in a series of grunts and sarcasm.
Yes, he has studied for a degree in complacency, and the certificate now hangs on the wall of your life. No wonder he doesn’t turn you on anymore.
This is the reason I for one don’t buy into the tried and tested excuses coming from women that they are too tired, or too menopausal to want sex. Most women I know in their 60’s could still get the mood.
But, put Pierce Brosnan, Richard Gere, or George Clooney in front of the same complacent mans wife, give her a free pass with no penalty to pay, for a night of passion with one of them, and I think she’d pretty soon be defuzzed, dressed up and dazzling ready for some heavy duty shagging, with a libido surge worthy of Powergen
Maybe we should simply take matters into our own hands and take a more proactive role in solving the mystery of the missing sex drive.
Does this sound familiar?
A friend of mine spent many years trapped in a sibling style marriage, living with her man almost like housemates.
They got along well enough but unfortunately, after one sighting too many of his dangly bits hanging unattractively beneath his untied dressing gown, her libido made a fast exit, the thought of having sex with him almost turned her stomach.
She was of a certain age, when nature sometimes needs a helping handful of KY Jelly, and used this as a damn fine excuse to avoid the dreaded deed and she too rolled out the ‘too tired and hormonal ‘ chestnut whenever questions were raised in the house and things got too close for comfort.
However sometime later a chance encounter with a gorgeous young man took her completely by surprise, and once the lust fairy had claimed her, butterflies galloped around in her tummy, she lost weight without trying and threw away her St Tropez fake tan; she glowed from within.
She was indeed a woman back in the saddle. Was it really so surprising that her previously lost libido was suddenly found, indeed it returned with a vengeance.
The only extra lubrication she needed after much rocking and rolling between the sheets, was for muscles she’d not used for many years, during a soothing massage from her new man’s magic fingertips.
For a more radical approach, you may be brave enough to follow in the footsteps of another friend of mine. Clare was heading towards 60 and feeling more like 30 she decided she would track down her libido if it killed her.
Having been a very sensual young woman and a star player on the sexual field of life, she felt that if this was to be ‘it’ for the rest of her life, then ‘it’ really wasn’t enough.
After much research and careful consideration, in her own words, she made the ‘best purchase of her life’ and spent a very long evening with a young male escort she found on the internet.
He was very good looking, attentive and entertaining, they shared a fantastic meal together, and both of them knew exactly what the end of the evening had in store.
There was no hint of embarrassment, and having made the decision to go for it, she really went for it. He was naturally a very experienced lover, and this was no quickie, the night was hers to enjoy, with no strings or recriminations, she never saw him again and she did find her libido, alive and kicking just waiting to be rediscovered. She never looked back.
So what can you do if Viagra for women is not an option and chance encounters bear too many risks and cannot be relied on? What if you don’t quite feel brave enough to pay for a stranger to escort you to libido’s hiding place? Unfortunately, I don’t have the definitive answer.
One thing is for sure though, when a woman feels good, she also looks good. If she looks good, she feels good.
If familiarity is breeding too much contempt in your life, and your libido has taken leave of you, get out there and chase it.
More patronising magazines will tell you to share a candle lit bath with your man, cook him a romantic meal and open a bottle of wine.
Forget all that, you’ll end up cleaning the bath, washing up and have a headache into the bargain. Do something just for you.
Once you feel a little bit better, you’ll want to feel a whole lot better. Get back in touch with touch, have a relaxing massage at the Beauty salon, and begin to be good to yourself.
Follow that with a really different haircut and some ‘trendy wendy’ new clothes, and maybe the rest will follow.
Let Mr Complacent stay in his comfort zone, while you go and find yourself and your libido again.
Take it from me, it’s never too late, and I’m sure your sex drive is always lurking there somewhere just waiting to be given the kiss of life.
Buried somewhere inside you is that long forgotten sexy woman, do whatever it takes to find her again, you won’t regret it.
If you liked this post, and think it would make some of your female friends smile, then do please share, and if you bring anything else to the lost libido party, then leave a comment! Rx