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I think it was that strange, anxious woman, Gillian Mckeith who made a mint out of a book called ‘We are what we eat’
I’m not suggesting anyone would want to resemble Ms Mckeith in any way, all that fainting and falling about in the jungle, was just plain tedious, but after wading your way through a few giant size tins of Quality Street, and having just one more slice of your far too rich Christmas cake you may soon be feeling like a beached whale or, simply be just full of hot air.
You may in all honesty also LOOK like you’ve eaten too many pies, and you probably have. Lets just face it, you will be what you have eaten!
Yes in around 6 weeks’ time, you will be turning to the latest edition of your favourite magazines in an effort to find a cure for your lardy arse, and they will advise you to firstly embark on a detox programme to kick-start your digestion, before joining a weight loss club, all of who will be offering you a reduced joining fee as they wish you a Happy New Year.
The detoxing will involve copious amounts of juicing, and swallowing vile concoctions of vegetables, which should never be seen in the same sentence let alone in the same blender.
Then you will be spoilt for choice between Weight Watchers, Slimming World, Herbalife, Lighter Life, and if you are too bloody overweight possibly the Afterlife.
Try to avoid the last option, I can’t afford to lose any of my cherished readers…….
Luckily, I have an alternative suggestion, tried and tested by me, which will, I guarantee bring immediate relief to anyone suffering from any digestive malfunction, and will deflate more than your ego.
Yes ladies the therapy you require is quaintly entitled ‘Colonic Irrigation’
Stop it with the ‘oh yuk’. If I’ve done it, you can do it. It’s a piece of cake, nothing to it, you’ll end up laughing in the face of constipation and your free fall farting will be a thing of the past.
I have to tell you, that in many ways, I am ‘the woman least likely to’ when it comes to matters of any kind of therapy. Retail therapy being the obvious exception.
But recently out of curiosity, and naturally, so that I could bring you ‘first hand’ details of this treatment, I went for it, in a big way, and let me tell you, Miss Intrepid here was filled with the utmost trepidation on entering the beauty salon to await an appointment with a weapon of mass irrigation.
On first sight the equipment is so high tech, that you actually forget just where the tubes are about to be inserted. Initially, you also fail to realise that the box in the wall, vaguely resembling an empty television screen with a pipe running through the middle is actually going to be very significant as the treatment progresses.
In fact, the entire contents of your bum will pass through this window before your, and your therapists, very eyes.
The question really is, shouldn’t the therapist have therapy, only a mad person would choose to do such a crap job for a living.
My own invasive lady was very professional. As I was a colonic irrigation virgin, she matter of factly explained exactly what would happen and told me to shout if I felt any discomfort.
She then uttered the immortal words, ‘turn on your side and relax’.
Now when women hear those immortal words, it’s usually when someone wants to invade your lower regions with something hard cold and flat, as opposed to something hard hot and throbbing! Funny that.
The idea of the treatment is to ‘flush out’ your bowels with water, removing food waste that may have been sticking to the sides and lurking there for a zillion years and thus leaving them ‘free flowing’.
This build up of toxins in the digestive system, is believed to contribute to feelings of sluggishness, constipation and colonic irritation goes a long way in getting to the bottom of the problem. Or should that be the problem of the bottom.
In reality it’s a subtler version of the old fashioned enema, which was regularly freely administered in most hospitals across the land, but these days you have to pay a fortune for the same privilege.
It also has to be remembered that there are differing opinions as to the wisdom of having this treatment.
Some ‘experts’ will tell you that having too many toxins in the body can contribute to life threatening illnesses and so anything that detoxes the system can only be a good thing.
Others will say that during colonic irrigation there is a danger of causing damage to the bowel which will definitely be more harmful than beneficial.
But luckily the choice is yours!
So here’s what happens. A dual function pipe shaped a bit like a small vibrator is (to put it bluntly), inserted up your bum, it doesn’t hurt at all, and the feeling of discomfort is minimal.
Then, water is gently introduced through the pipe into the lower bowel. This feels very odd, and gradually you feel as if there is going to be a terrible accident, and huge embarrassment all round, but it doesn’t happen.
After about 30 seconds, the water stops, and then, the contents of your bottom are removed through an outlet valve in the same pipe, so basically, the water comes in, and the crap goes out. Simples.
It travels along the pipe…and THEN……….you see it all travelling through the window of the screen, after which it goes naturally into the plumbing system of wherever you happen to be.
Bizarrely, the therapist then begins to explain what the consistency, colour and general condition of your poo actually indicates.
Words like ‘Oh that’s VERY old waste’ and ‘that’s really healthy stuff there. Look it’s a much better colour‘, are uttered.
I have similar conversations when shopping with a girlfriend and she utters, ‘oh that dress is a bit old fashioned, look that one is much better colour’.
But let’s be honest, there are some opinions you can do without.
The process is repeated about 8 times, and the idea is that you wait longer each time before the outlet pipe kicks in, so that more water is absorbed into the bowel.
You really do feel as if your bum is going to explode and pebbledash the wall, but trust me it cannot and will not happen.
Eventually towards the end the outlet pipe is running clear and there is nothing left to come out. The fact that you have seen all this crap leaving your body actually makes you feel better. When it’s all over, and the pipe is removed, you just nip to the loo to make sure that there is no water left to come out, which there usually isn’t.
I had loads more energy and my head felt much clearer, leading me to wonder if maybe my brains are in my arse after all!
It definitely does kick start your digestive process, and you will feel and look instantly slimmer, which will motivate you to crack on and cut those carbs.
All in all it was a successful outcome and I was indeed flushed to excess…….
What do you think, would you give it a ‘go’?